Face The Facts – Ep. 30: A Very Vivid Halloween II

Fact: Episode 18 of BBYK features many Halloween factoids.

Welcome back to another very special (30th!) edition of Face the Facts, where we bring you all the #thingsthatareawesome.  To be honest, I am not quite sure why you are back. Was not last year’s Halloween tale so terrifying so as to inspire night light installations? Were you not sufficiently warned of the sleepless nights you would have to endure? Are you not haunted by images of a night man knocking on your bedroom door?

I really hope that you are prepared, dear reader. This installment of FTF is sure to be so nightmarish that it could drive you insane. The evil I speak about is very much real and it is unrelenting. It compels me to share this story, and like a curse it follows those that dare to read this. My story tells the truth, but the price of reading honesty may cost you your very soul! Reading this will be like giving yourself goosebumps, and I admire your courage, reader. So go grab a pocket full of change… the troll’s toll is your soul and the night man cometh.

This story begins years after the disaster down under. The world was none the wiser, and I just went about trying to live a normal life. Klar and I decided to continue crime fighting, so we joined the illustrious Texas Rangers.

a-la-une-walker4-10870158rdonb

Me: Crime better watch out, the eyes of the Ranger are upon you.

Klar: I am quite athletic.

My wife, Zanahoria, started a new job working for NASA. Under her inspiring leadership, NASA embarked on a golden age of discoveries. She launched multiple successful missions to Mars, and they even began a program on Mars to genetically clone and modify fauna to potentially grow there.

Inspired by her awesomeness, I decided to pursue something equally as impressive. I started a podcast with Klar. It was a bro-centric podcast covering a wide range of brolitcal topics with both intelligence and panache. Soon we would become podcasting stars. It was hump day, and I drove to our state-of-the-art studio in DC to record another edition of The Bro-est Bros You Knows.

Me: Feeling good on a Wednesday… alright lets do this! record* HAAAAAP…

I ran over and turned on the t.v. News stations around the world were reporting a lot of missing people. Whole chunks of humanity just up and vanished. Buildings in Washington DC were shown collapsing.

The planet was enveloped in chaos and mayhem. Also, where the F was Klar? I was such a confused cat. I kept watching the screen hoping for clues. All of a sudden:

New_Godzilla_2014_Screenshot_Godzilla

It was only on screen for a couple minutes, too fast for the normal viewer to comprehend, but I wasn’t your normal viewer. Using my Ranger powers of observation, I deduced that this was a kaiju. But that haunting face… most curious. It can’t be! Cthulhu was back?!

Me: Oh snapsel-cakes!

I called my wife to make sure she hadn’t been raptured.

Me: Honey buns, are you okay?

Zanahoria: Cut the bullsh*t, humanity is in crisis mode. Get to mission control, now!

An appropriate amount of time later.

Me: I am here, sup bey?

Zanahoria: Shut up. I found Klar.

Me: What the what?!

Zanahoria: I triangulated his position from a tracking device I implanted in him the last time he got lost at a Fall Out Boy concert. Compensating for the space time continuum, my data showed he was on Mars. I guided him to a space telecommunication console, Morpheus style, and we’ve made contact.

Klar: Sup bros?

Me: Sup? You mirin?

Klar: I’m on that next planet ish yo!

Klar/Me: Freak’n N Vibe’n* Freak’n N Vibe’n*

Zanahoria: Cut the sh*t you two. Klar, how did you get to Mars?

Klar: Some giant beast mannaped me and a bunch of peeps and we were escorted onto shuttles and transported here to Mars.

terminator-salvation-prisoners1

Zanahoria: What are they doing to you guys?

Klar: Well someone is extracting human DNA from the prisoners and I heard something about using that with the fauna cloning technology here on Mars.

Zanahoria: I figured it out, they are trying to create a clone army!  I am so good at solving problems. Don’t worry Klar, we’ll bring you guys home.

the-martian-movie-trailer-hi-res-images-matt-damon-jessica-chastain-55

Me: I am going to need to train a little bit before I conduct a rescue mission. Is that schway?

Zanahoria: Fine. Klar, you need to start freeing the prisoners and prep them for extraction. Do you have any food?

martian-gallery3-gallery-image

Klar: No, but there is red poop EVERYWHERE!

Zanahoria: That’s dirt.

Klar: Don’t worry, I’ll science the shit out of it or something.

To stay in shape for the Texas Rangers, I had been training with my mentor Brahptimus Prime. He has been an invaluable sensei, teaching how to deal with things. He even gave me some awesome sunglasses.

Me; Yo, Brahp, lets crush some sets. I need to get a space pump.

upcoming-movies-pain-and-gain

Brahptimus Prime: Now we are ready. Autobots… BRO OUT!

My wife hooked us up with a sick spacecraft capable of flying at extra fast speed.

Me: Alright, all systems go. Hold on to your auto-butt, its going to be a bumpy ride.

bbykloop

Brahptimus Prime and I made it to Mars and started extracting the prisoners. There didn’t seem to be any type of resistance. No guards or alarms… most curious.

Me: It looks like you kept everyone well fed. Did you grow vegetables with the cloning tech?

Klar: No… even cheddar than that!

tumblr_nt4edebvwk1uwbmnzo1_500

Holy no need for a Cow! Klar created cheese producing plants. Surely this will be huge on Earth.

Me: How did you do it?

Klar: Not sure, I kind of winged it. I didn’t write anything down, so honestly, I couldn’t redo if I wanted to… and I want to.

We got back to Earth, and not a moment too soon. Cthulhu had succeeded with her experiment and had launched a surprise attack on humanity. She now had a legion of clone titans at her disposal. She declared war on America and soon began a siege on Washington DC.

Carl Quintanilla: Since you are running a comic book campaign, how would you deal with a comic book problem like the Cthulhu Crisis?

trump-wall-0616

In the aftermath of her initial attack, DC had to rebuild itself up quick. With limited supplies, the best DC could do resembled a sort of shoddy rustic Japanese village.

Congress played the Trump card and built a wall around Washington DC, appropriating funds from pothole renovations. Surely this would stop the problem from coming inside.

birds-and-the-wall-moment

In the meantime, Zanahoria, Klar and I decided we needed a plan to stop the kaiju. This wall just delayed the inevitable… a showdown with Cthulhu, the heiress of headaches.

BOOM!

KatieSmash

OH SNAP!

imageedit_49_7867012973

Our heads pulsated with fear. She was already here and she had torn through the wall! Soon, a scourge of clone-thulus attacked the masses. It was a most frightful sight to behold.

pWCt7wE

Me: OH MY LANTA! This is go time, grab your gear!

Klar: I got your back bro!

Zanahoria: I will secure a perimeter around world-famous Dupont Circle. You guys go protect Ben’s Chili Bowl.

Klar: Really? I mean Ben’s is kind of overrated #amirite

Me: No time to argue, we need to move!

Me/Klar/Zanahoria: BYARGH!!!

AOT

There were simply too many clones. No matter how badass we were we just couldn’t take them all.

Me: They seem to be well coordinated, almost acting in unison… most curious. You thinking what I am thinking?

Klar: Ben’s Chili Bowl actually sounds good right now?

Me: No, I think this is a hive mind thing. We take out Cthulhu and the clone-thulus will stop.

Klar: You don’t think I know that? I made cheese plants, I’m a cheesical genius!

I decided we needed more fire power. There was only one thing left to do. I headed towards Mt. Vesuvius to retrieve my Tyrannosaurus Dino-Bot.

Me: Its morphin’ time!

redranger

Brahptimus Prime: That won’t be enough to deal with it.

Me: What else can I do?

Brahptimus Prime: Legends tell of a mystical vivid karet capable of giving he who wields it incredible strength and a voice that could carry a podcast.

Me: You mean like that thing over there?

sword-in-the-stone

I went over and extracted the legendary weapon. A chorus of angels serenaded me from the heavens.

Brahptimus Prime: With the vivid karet you can attain your super-saiyan form. No longer the Red Ranger, you are now Judge Red!

Me: Aww hell yesssshh! I’ve got the power!

I arrived at Mt. Vesuvius and reunited with Buddy Rex. Now we were headed back to DC for an epic final battle.

465980

The battle raged on back home and the team had managed to get Cthulhu cornered. Zanahoria had successfully defended Dupont Circle. Klar had successfully ordered a half-smoke at Ben’s Chili Bowl.

Klar: Bro, nice digs.

Zanahoria: Meh, the vivid karet logo could use a touch up.

Me: Guys, you will never believe what happened, but I think my podcast is really going to take off now.

Klar: Your voice… such hauntingly beautiful sounds of Americana seem to reverberate through your vocal chords…

Cthulhu: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!

unnamed-2

Brahptimus Prime: Your podcast will totes gain subscribers, but we need to move, now!

Me: The hell-spawn looks to be transforming. Most curious.

Zanahoria: Umm, do you guys remember DC having such rocky terrain?

Klar: Yeah, that’s why they call it Rockcreek Parkway.

Zanahoria:…

Brahptimus Prime: Lets go deal with it, once and for all.

Me: Looks like it is time for a…

HERO SHOT!

dinobots-transformers-who-are

I tangled with the barbaric beast as the others held off the clone-thulhus. Her strength was mighty, her foul breath even mightier. Now in her true form, she battled with urgency and purpose.

Harnessing the power of the one true karet I was able to persevere. I gathered all the ki I could muster, and powered up. I set up the cross with my jab, making sure to be mindful of the takedown. I was just waiting for the right moment…

Cthulhu: Fools! I will be your master! Soon you will all bow to your new president. Like, Steph Curry, I am a true MVP! As in Most. Valuable. President.

di6ppR6i9

Pacific Rim Battle

Me: Sorry to cut your presidential bid short, but in America we believe in freedom and democracy!

Cthulhu stumbled backwards. The demon creature was weakened from my tiger uppercut of justice.

Brahptimus Prime: Everyone open fire while the hulking heathen is hurt.

We shot the mega maniacal monster with everything we had. Lasers… phasers… we even tried a taser. Bad idea, we flooded Indiana Ave.

*pewpewpew *chabloinkos *kapowee

Cthulhu, badly injured, fell down into the sewer.

Klar: Hey Judge Red…

2409397293_07070e9841_o

Just as I suspected, after Cthulhu went down the other clones fell over as well. They soon disintegrated into foul blobs of mush. We ran up and looked down into the sewers. We couldn’t see anything.

Klar: Looks like we’ll have to go down into the sewers

Zanahoria: You’ll need some overalls to do that Klar. Maybe next time.

This isn’t a bittersweet ending. This is why I warned you reader. For you see, Cthulhu was never found in the sewers. Not sweet… all bitter!

That means that somewhere beneath your feet, lurks a most evil presence. She is coming for you, and she is going to find you. So please reader, go run and tell that. We simply cannot afford another Cthulhu Crisis! Its up to you now reader, Godspeed.

The End?

 

 

 

Somewhere in the sewers*

Klar: Hey bey, I thought you would be here. How do you like my overalls?

Cthulhu: AHHHHHHH!

Klar: Hey I know we didn’t get off on the right foot last time. Like you literally ate my right foot. Remember? Good times.

Cthulhu: AHHHHHHH!

Klar: I brought you some Ben’s Chili Bowl. I added some Martian cheese to give it a kick.

Cthulhu: AHHHHHHH!

Klar: Okay, open wide, ahhhhhAHHHHH!

Cthulhu: gulp*

Happy Halloween from Vivid Karet!

godzilla-2014-concept-artwork-wide-godzilla-banner-has-the-kaiju-destroying-san-francisco-jpeg-39995

 

 

 

Epilogue 

After the Cthulhu Crisis, Brahptimus Prime went with me to go return return Buddy Rex to Mt. Vesuvius . Brahp then walked over and took off his shades.

Brahptimus Prime: Keep these for me Judge Red. Here, I have something to show you guys…

Prime-optimusprime-bh

Me: What? All this time it was you T-Rum?

Comtrav: I have some business to take care of in China. I’ll be away for a little bit.

Me: Well good luck over there. I know that you are going to do great things.

Buddy Rex: Yeah be safe, we are going to miss you so mu…

Comtrav: Deal with it!

Advertisements

3 Trackbacks to “Face The Facts – Ep. 30: A Very Vivid Halloween II”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: