Face The Facts – Ep. 29: Where in the World is Kathulhu Winnebago? (Part II)


First Where in the World is Kathulhu Winnebago?

Well, she darts around the globe from Dewey to Rehoboth
She’s a creepy creeping creature that’s been down to Cancun
She speeds away on her bike before you can catch your breath
Tell me where in the world is Kathulhu Winnebago?

Seriously, where is Kathulhu Winnebago? Doesn’t she always seem to be on the go? What is her story? Well fellow reader, I am here to try to fill in as many of the blanks as I can. Here is my story about Kathulhu Winnebago.

You see, when I first met Kathulhu I was hanging out with Klar shooting hoops. Klar loved two things in life, basketball and Rocky movies. After our first encounter of the Marchewka kind, Klar had to face the facts. He made some drastic changes, and he may have lost a little bit of his soul (patch) along the way.

You see, scientifically, you lose just a little bit of your soul every time you breath out. This is why (again, according to science) we are influenced so heavily by those closest to us. Every time we breath back in, we breathe in a part of their soul fragments. You could just see how much Kathulhu influenced Klar. He loved three things now.

This sounds like the beginning of the story of a jaded best bud that lost his friend to a demon monster. It is not. Kathulhu never tried to impose herself nor did she try to sacrifice me to the dark lord. For a person who enjoys high speed cruising and intensely full schedules, Kathulhu is a very chill evil beast.


There are two things that Kathulhu should be known for (her ability to destroy humanity aside), and that is how good she is at drinking coffee and how amazing she is at acquiring headaches. Seriously, this girl can pound back an incredible amount of coffee. Caffeine is very important when you have a schedule as jam packed as hers.

1:00 pm – IWP Staff meeting
1:30 pm – Lead a cult in ritualistic chanting
2:00 pm – Beat Vin Diesel in a drag race
2:30 pm – Send intern on Starbucks run
3:00 pm – Get a headache
??? pm – Still dealing with a headache
??? pm – My head! Life is so cruel
??? pm – What is the point of this much suffering
??? pm – It feels like it has been an eternity. This is my life now…
3:15 pm – Phone call with a donor

That’s basically Kathulhu in a nutshell. Many people may know her for mad bike riding skillz. The bike wasn’t this completely crazy addition to Kathulhu’s life. It was a natural evolution for a woman that values speed and efficiency.  Heck, even her bike has evolved. If you ever get to befriend Kathulhu, granted she doesn’t treat you as a snack, you will always have a ride to the airport. You will have someone so unrelentingly polite that it makes you puke. She would probably clean it up too, if she weren’t so squeamish. She squeals shrilly. She dances dangerously. She will always encourage you to be authentically you. That’s the only way she knows how to be. She will be your friend. I guess she is good at three things.

She is my very good friend. A fellow engine. I generally demonstrate how good of a friend she is to me by posting funny pictures of her. When Klar is out of town, I try to make it a point to tell her good night. This isn’t a big deal beyond the usual evening pleasantries, but it is also my way saying that, on the random chance we are surprise-attacked by ninjas tonight, I will protect you and my wife in what will probably be a most epic battle. You know… like I have your back, like I know you have mine.


Happy Birthday to my good friend Marchewka. Here’s to you, you crazy sea monster.


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