Archive for April, 2015

April 24, 2015

Face The Facts – Episode 25: Houston Rocket Raccoon II


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Fact – Teams that win game 3 have won their playoff series 100% of the time.

You can read the first Houston Rocket Raccoon here.

The match was underway, and it was an excellent battle between fierce rivals. Led by their fearless leader, Rocket Harden, Houston worked hard to defend their home base against the Dallas onslaught. Cormora was in fine form, wrecking havoc with his fast break attacks. Smaxx, however, was struggling mightily. He made bad passes and was temporarily taken out of the contest.

HARDEN: You need to chill out Smax!

SMAX: It is impossible for me to change my body temperature.

HARDEN: You are letting the refs get in your head.

SMAX: Nobody gets in my head, my skull is hard and impenetrable!

When Smax sat down, Dwert came over and calmed his friend down. He reminded him of how he had his back because Smax was their for him as he went through rehab, and how they had developed great chemistry together. Smax nodded in agreement, thinking that perhaps Dwert was correct, and that he would try to find Dwert on his future passing endeavors.

Dallas, meanwhile continued their barrage. Monta the Chucker fired away against Houston, taking every opportunity to pursue shot attempts. Parsons the Overpaid tried desperately to lead his squad to victory. He addressed his team during a midway recuperation period.

PARSONS: We must crush these puny Rockets so that I may obtain the Heart of a Champion!

DIRKULA: Flop flop flop!

PARSONS: Yes… it will take all of our efforts to destroy Rocket Harden.

The heroes of our tale knew the daunting task that lied ahead. Dallas was making a concerted effort to take down Rocket Harden, but to no avail. Harden decided to go on the offense.

He struck Parsons the Overpaid with a vicious blow:

DIRKULA: Flooooooooooooooooooooooooooop! 

Dirkula promised to avenge his fallen teammate. Alongside Monta the Chucker, Dirkula tried to finish what Parsons the Overpaid had started. Dallas rallied hard and took the lead against Houston. During a time period of the game designated simply as “out,” Harden shared with his team a plan to defend their home turf.

HARDEN: If we want to come back and win, we need to do a few things. Dwert, I need you to assert your rotisserie chicken dominance.

DWERT: I am Dwert!

HARDEN: Star Wolf, I need you to get Cuban to remove Rondo the Pouty from the series.

STAR WOLF: Got it! Also, wasn’t I Star Lor…

HARDEN: And Smax, I need you to stop forcing bad passes. Only pass if it can lead to scoring!

SMAX: Only pass to score points…

The team regrouped on the court, and behind a refocused SMAX, they proceed to smack the hell out of Dallas! He connected with his friend Dwert.

They got em’ over and over again, dunking at will. They were terrorizing the Dallas defense!

Dallas simply did not have an answer. Dirkula was completely bamboozled!

Finally Smax decided to get in on the action and went up to attack Chandler the Disheartened.

Boomshakalaka! They ended defeating Dallas in both contests, and Dallas ran for home as soon as the match was over.

STAR WOLF: Sir, I am going to need to borrow your Rondo…

Star Wolf successfully got Rondo out of the series. Excited that he completed his mission he went to inform Rocket Harden.

STAR WOLF: I took out Cuban’s Rondo the Pouty for you.

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HARDEN: HAH! We didn’t need him out to win the series… I just wanted to see if you would do it!

Winning the first two matches, our heroes head to Dallas to take the fight to the enemy.

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TO BE CONTINUED

Fact – People that read VIVID KARET don’t need life hacks.

Happy 25th episode FTF readers! This is yet another astoundingly arbitrary numerical achievement! I am going to game 3 tonight to root on my beloved Rockets. Hoping for a W for the good guys. You can follow me at @facethefacts22 for  tweets supporting our #pursuit during the playoffs. Thanks for reading, and until next time… when in doubt, Face The Facts!

Go Rockets, lets ride!

April 17, 2015

Face The Facts – Episode 24: Houston Rocket Raccoon

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Fact – This story begins a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away…

There were two unlikely bros, a rambunctious raccoon and a playful plant monster, and they traveled the many stars together. The raccoon was named Rocket after his favorite terrestrial sporting team. The plant monster was named Groot because he looked like a giant root. Highly trained in weapons and hand-to-hand combat, these bros mostly used their skills for hustling and scheming. When push came to shove, however, this dynamic duo showed off how potent they were, thwarting numerous space police attempts to catch them. One time they were spotted and had to flee on foot….

ROCKET: Groot, we have to make a break for it… fast!

GROOT: I am Groot!

A space marine tried to tackle the raccoon, who took a long step to the right and a quick step to the left and made the marine whiff completely as he dove. The towering tree tried an evasive spin move, but ended up running straight into the other space marine, knocking him over. Persistent as always and typically proud of his skills, he tried the spin move again, this time taking out three marines.

KNOCKED DOWN BALD MARINE: You need to be more dominant in your spinning, like rotisserie chicken!

Rocket was once again being chased, this time by a rather agile soldier. The raccoon let the marine get close and forced some contact. Suddenly Groot ran up on the Marine’s blind side, and Rocket deftly dodged around his partner. The marine slammed into Groot, and slunk to the floor. The fallen marine blew a whistle to signal for backup, but Rocket instinctively shot him when he heard the sound. As they exited the building, Groot once again attempted a spin move to evade the door… and ran into a wall.

ROCKET: Why do you keep trying to do that? Stick to what you are good at!

GROOT: I am Groot!?

ROCKET: I saw you do it!

Military space academies across the universe would have loved to add these two to their roster. They kept a close eye on these felonious fellas, and maintained detailed files on them. The plant monster had great size and his natural regenerative ability proved he had elite defensive qualities. Defensively he could absorb a lot of enemy firepower, effectively neutralizing a lot of the enemies strategy.  But he kept insisting on going to his awkward spin-move (a move he was unabashedly prideful of) which over time could prove disastrous in battle.

 

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The raccoon, on the other hand, could level a city block with his expert shooting and precise vision. Rocket was also an efficient marksman, accurately sniping enemies off from afar and/or bringing the fight in close where he was deadly. He displayed rare combat awareness, always cognizant of the position of his enemies on the field. But for all his offensive prowess, he proved a liability defensively, being so small with such stubby legs. He also had a lot of facial hair, making it hard to tell if he showed any emotion.

Their skills and talents made them an intriguing pairing, but their weaknesses ultimately made it difficult for the academies to take them too seriously. Which was fine by them–these guys were living the care-free life. The mischievous mammal loved going on great adventures with his enigmatic extraterrestrial buddy.

They weren’t particularly popular and didn’t have many friends, but they had each other. They would take cooking lessons together. They played pick-up ball with the Munstars. One day they were stumbling out of a galactic brothel when they bumped into:

 

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ROCKET: Who are you?

STAR LORD: I am Star Lord!

ROCKET: Who?

STAR LORD: Star Lord… oh forget it. This was a mistake, I’m a lone wolf anyways.

ROCKET: Bro, just tell me and my buddy here what’s up… or get out of the way!

Star Lord hesitated, then proceeded to explain, by means of an elaborate montage, how Rocket Raccoon’s favorite team has been suffering for the past two decades. The fruitful seasons of years past seem like little more than a Dream.

ROCKET: Hey, I love those guys but what can we do, huh? Let’s go Groot!

STAR LORD: Please just watch this.

He inserted in a VHS tape replaying all of the horrendous things that have happened to the Rockets over the years. How they actually thought Pippen would work out. How the talented Tracy ultimately quit on the team. All of the heart wrenching buzzer beaters by their opponents. Drafting RV-bound rookies. But the worst part… all of the injuries:

 

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STAR LORD: They need some help, and you guys have a particular set of skills to do just that.

ROCKET: Does that really translate into basketball? I mean… does that really make sense?

STAR LORD: UH YEAH! Your accuracy, vision, and natural instincts will make you a great basketball combatant.

ROCKET: Fine, what do we do?

STAR LORD: Your mission, if you chose to…

GROOT: I am Groot?

ROCKET: Excellent question Groot… is Ryu really a fan of Hakeem?

STAR LORD: Hell yes! Ryu would go to the arcade, when he wasn’t training for the World Warrior, to play as Hakeem on NBA JAM.

ROCKET AND GROOT: Righteous/I am Groot!

Star Lord explained the mission. He wanted to send Rocket and Groot to Earth to help the Rockets. He had recently acquired a tesseract in the woods, the functionality of which is to serve as a sci-fi catch-all to do seemingly miraculous things without much explanation. In this case, the tesseract could transform them into earth born humanoids and  transport them to Earth. These human bodies would possess their skills and talents.

ROCKET: Wait… so like reverse Space Jam?

GROOT: I am Groot?

ROCKET: So, are you coming with us?

STAR LORD: Yes, but I recently hurt my back fighting off an eagle, so I won’t be able to participate. Are you ready?

ROCKET: Oh Yeah!

After a briefing, they were informed that they would get some team mates. A former athletic beast that had lost popularity with his people, and a thief that loved to smile. They were put into the chamber along with the other two cast offs to go save the Rockets:

 

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When they emerged, they were something completely unique to the universe. These new ballin’ beings decided they needed new names to match their new identities.

RACCOON: My soul hardened when I watch all of those injuries. From now on I shall be know as Harden!

FAUNA FREAK: I am Dwert!!!

HARDEN: Alright Dwert, let’s go save Clutch City!

What happened next was nothing short of astounding. Harden completely took the league by storm. He teamed up with Dwert with their patented escape techniques to perform flawless pick and rolls.  Harden would get you with a little bit of this:

 

 

He would hit you with a little bit of that:

 

 

That little raccoon even showed off some defense!

Over the course of the season, Dwert suffered the same fate as those before him, missing many games with injuries. Without his buddy Dwert, Harden had to carry the load by himself. He put together an MVP caliber season, putting up stats that only Bird and Space Jam famous Jordan have achieved before. He did all of this while helping his buddy rehab.

 

 

Eventually, Dwert healed back up and rejoined the team. His teammates and coaches celebrated his return like it was a birthday party.

MUSIC: *Turn down for Watt

HARDEN: Glad to have you back big guy!

DWERT: I am Dwert!

HARDEN: Wait, you are really going to sacrifice your spin move for the team?

DWERT: I am Dwert!

HARDEN: But you love that move…

DWERT: I am Dwert!

TEAMMATES: *cheering

DWERT: We are Dwert!

Reinvigorated and reloaded, the Rockets powered onwards. These (head)band of brothers continued to charge triumphantly through the season, striving for the ultimate prize… a CHAMPIONSHIP. Despite the injury curse, they persevered and locked in home court advantage for the first round of the playoffs.

Now, with the playoffs at hand, the Harden led Houston Rockets look to take down the Mavericks.

 

 

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TO BE CONTINUED…

 

Fact – People that read face the facts are naturally charismatic.

Thanks for reading, I hope you guys enjoyed that. So that was the first installment of what I hope will be a continuing series. Klar and I will be doing an NBA playoffs edition of Bro-est Bros You Knows, so keep your eye out for that. I can not tell you how excited I am to watch some playoff basketball. You can follow me on twitter @facethefacts22. Until next time, when in doubt… face the facts!

 

 

GO ROCKETS!

April 6, 2015

Opening Day

Well, here we are.  Opening Day – the greatest day of the year.  The day where people all over this great nation are settling down in the bleachers with a cold beer and a hot dog to watch their home team kick off the baseball season on a beautiful spring day.  After the national anthem their ace pitcher will take to mound to mow down the opposing batting order.  In the bottom of the inning their stud slugger will launch a bomb over the left field wall and the fans will go crazy.  High fives will be exchanged among family, friends, and complete strangers.  This is baseball.  This is the national pastime.

People will come.

So even if you cannot make it out to the ballgame today, enjoy this great American holiday.  Put your game on the TV or the radio and celebrate baseball.

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April 4, 2015

Face The Facts – Episode 23: Mystery Easter EGGstravaganza!

 

While many associate it with Peeps and plastic eggs, Easter is actually a Christian holiday which celebrates Jesus Christ’s resurrection from the dead. Truly it was a most magnificent triumph over sin and science. Jesus’ crucifixion and resurrection occurred after he went to Jerusalem to celebrate Passover (or Pesach in Hebrew), the Jewish festival commemorating the ancient Israelites’ exodus from slavery in Egypt. Pascha eventually came to mean Easter.

Easter is moveable feast, meaning it doesn’t fall on a set date every year. In the Western churches it is celebrated the first Sunday following the full moon after the vernal equinox. Orthodox Christians use the Julian calendar to calculate when Easter will occur and typically celebrate the holiday a week or two after the Western churches, which follow the Gregorian calendar.

The exact origins of this religious feast day’s name are unknown. Some sources claim the word Easter is derived from Eostre, the pagan goddess of spring and fertility. This may also explain the origin of the mysterious Easter bunny. The rabbit was the animal symbol for Eostre and rabbits have historically been associated with fertility.

 

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What about the Easter Egg? Well, eggs are a traditional symbol of new life, and it’s believed that decorating eggs for Easter dates back to the 13th century. Hundreds of years ago, churches had their congregations abstain from eggs during Lent, allowing them to be consumed again on Easter, which may explain why there are festivals and celebrations based on the collecting and consuming of eggs on Easter. In the 19th century, Russian high society started exchanging ornately decorated eggs on Easter… which is cool and all… but how did we as Americans begin celebrating Easter eggs/bunnies/Peeps?

The flawless Wikipedia states that it was the German immigrants who settled in Pennsylvania in the 1700’s that brought over their tradition of an egg-laying hare called “Osterhase.” The children made nests in which the Easter bunny could “lay” its colored eggs, because as we’ve pointed out earlier, Easter is not a celebration of science. Children also left out vivid carrots for the bunny in case he got hungry from all his hopping and flopping. Eventually, the custom spread across the U.S. and the evil candy corporation expanded the Easter menu to include chocolate and other types of candy and gifts.

To commemorate the grand tradition of the Easter Egg Hunt, here is an Easter Egg Hunt for all you FTF readers! The following is the Cthulhu Egg:

 

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Now find the Cthulhu Egg in this special Easter edition of Where in the World is Cthulhu Winnebago:

 

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 …

Okay, that was an easy one fellow FTFers… now let’s up the difficulty:

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Not bad, but can you catch the next one?

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Most excellent! Next challenge:

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Time for some fancy eggs:

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Congrats, you made it to level Expert:

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Fact – People that read Vivid Karet have well developed calves.

Here FTF, we wanted to give you a couple of fun Easter eggs for the road. First Easter egg, Google gifted everyone on April Fools with a playable version of Pac-Man on Google maps. You can click the link to play Pac-Man around the White House! Second Easter egg, in the 1998 Matthew Broderick Godzilla, the taxi driver’s ID stated that his name was  “Armin Tamzarian”, the real name of The Simpsons’ character, Principle Skinner. What the what?! Well there is a connection… Harry Shearer, who voices Skinner, played a news reporter in the movie. Follow up fact… Nancy Cartwright, the voice of Bart Simpson, played his secretary. 

Vivid Ret is going to UFC Fairfax, and Klar and I should have a BBYK recapping what should be an all-around awesome experience. Ka, you will be missed, but I am sure you will have an awesome day, (*in Archer voice) which I can only imagine involves you and your biker gang Blue Steel terrorizing snoopy snackers and beer thieves. So everyone reading this, go treat yo self, and have an amazing Easter Weekend. Until next time, when in doubt… face the facts!

 

Vivid Karet wishes a Happy Easter to all of our

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