Face The Facts – Episode 16: A Vivid Christmas Special Ft. Capt. Dan


Dan’s Song

Welcome everyone to a wonderful episode of Face The Facts. This very special Christmas episode is dedicated to a true American Hero, Capt. Dan! Dan wasn’t always a hero, he use to be a normal everyday G.I. joe schmoe. When Dan was young, his parents would hold him and say, something is “not right,” he is way too charming to be a mere mortal. “Not Right” was a natural at everything he tried, but he had trouble finding something he was passionate about. That changed when he got to high school and joined the glee club. 



Dan loved singing. He felt like he could express himself truly through song. This is where Klar and I met Dan. Klar and I were good at singing too, but we could both tell there was something different about Dan.

Klar: There is something not right about that Dan… *claps along to the spontaneous number that just started

Me: Yeah, he is so good at singing. He may be the greatest singer of all time! *bobs head enthusiastically

Klar: Yeah, even better than Michael Bubbles. *spins around the kid in the wheelchair

Both: “conceal don’t feel…” *singing

Dan won multiple regional awards for his singing talents. He was Dan the Man!




After high school, Dan followed Klar and I to the University of Design. He majored in Pineapple Thievery with a minor in Mirror Deconstruction. While at UD, Dan had a calling to go serve his country. He joined the military and rose through the ranks.

Military Bro 1: How is he so good at logistics and eating middle eastern desserts?

Military Bro 2: Yeah, there is something not right about it. At this rate he will make Captain in no time.

They were right, soon  he was Capt. Dan! I bumped into him during my brief stint in Top Gun. I noticed that he had gotten seriously jacked during his time in the military.



Me: Dude, you look like a BEAST! What is your secret?

Dan: Never say no to extra reps… and cookies.




Dan was having the time of his life. He even sang to the troops to boost morale. They loved to hear his melodious voice. He had the voice of a Klar. To them he was Mr. America… nay… he was Capt. America!




Things were going well for Dan indeed. After a stint in Jordan, Dan was planning to go home for Christmas to see his family and friends. During his flight he listened to the critically acclaimed podcast “Bro-est Bros You Knows.” Everything seemed swell until the podcast was interrupted with a newsflash from the venerable Michael Donovan.



OH NO! North Korea has hacked Christmas Spirit! Kim Jong Grinch has struck!




Twas the day before Christmas and to vanquish his foes, Dan quickly assembled a team of heroes. To fight injustice was their crusade; they were the… Festivus Brigrade!!!




Spanda-man, Chtuhlu Smash, Me, “Athletic” Widow, Hawk-douche, T(hor)-Rum, and Capt. Dan! Just as soon as we met up, we were attacked by North Korean Rod-Bots. While terrifying, the Rod-Bots did adhere to Mook Chivalry. We fought waves and waves of Rod-Bots, and there was no end in sight.

“Athletic” Widow: The North Koreans have learned to harness Anti-Christmas Spirit to power these Rod-Bots!

Hawk-douche: What do you guys see when you look in the mirror?

Everyone / Me: Shut up Hawk-douche! / a cool guy… yeah, shut up Hawk-douche!  Totes…

Capt. Dan: I have an idea, but I need you guys to hold off the Rod-Bots.




Spanda-man: Holy sponge-cakes, these flipp’in Rod-Bots can absorb heavy damage! *smashes

Hawk-douche: It is a total rod fest in here, #amirite? *ducks

Chtuhlu Smash: Ahhhhhhh! *shrieks

Dan: I am going to use my military connections and put together a rhythmic counter offensive! *jumps

Everyone: What???

Dan: The North Koreans are powered by Anti-Christmas Spirit. We need to attack them with good ol’ Christmas Spirit!

Me: How do we do that bro?! *repulsor blast

Dan: People must believe! Belief intensifies Christmas Spirit. I must make sure that the world doesn’t stop believing!

Dan hopped aboard a military airplane and sped off as we fended off the enemy.




Dan flew around the world organizing an Awesome Christmas Spectacular ExtravaDanza. It will be the biggest concert in the history of mankind. He called upon his glee friends to help.

Dan: Guys, I am going to save Christmas with my super-powered voice, but I need your help. Are you guys busy?

Glee people: We are rehearsing for regionals, but we can… let it go! *harmonizing

Dan: Great, we Ameri-CAN do this!

Everything was put in place. He would have only one shot at this. He was going to make people believe again through the power of song. To make sure the entire planet could see his performance, he used high-tech experimental hologram technology to appear on stages around the world. It was time to stop the North Koreans!



Passion Nate and Emotion Al: Oh Yeah! Dan totally saved Christmas. We can watch The Interview on online now. It is a Christmas Day miracle. Never stop believing bros!

Fact – Capt. Dan saved Christmas.

What a most joyous occasion! His powerful angelic voice created a firewall around the world’s collective Christmas Spirit.  The Rod-Bots left with their nose rings tucked between their legs. They went off to go find another dictator to desperately latch on to for publicity. The Interview was now firmly entrenched as a “Holiday film.” Santa Claus was able to make his world-wide trek in record time because Capt. Dan’s majestic singing had inspired the reindeers to travel at lickety-split speed. The world was once again filled with Yuletide Cheer. A hero did save us.


Dan: Merry Christmas to all, and to all… please send me more cookies!




The End






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