Face The Facts – Episode 12: A Very Vivid Halloween!

Fact – Michael Myers’ mask in the movie Halloween was actually a mask of the great William Shatner.

Welcome to a very special edition of FTF, where we bring you all the #thingsthatareawesome.  This FTF will be very different… very personal. You see, this is a story from my past. It is a story so scary and horrifying I was afraid to share it. Honestly, the memories of my haunting past have come back to me very slowly. I have heard that victims of traumatic experiences repress their memories to cope with the pain. For years I have gone about my life like nothing had happened… but this halloween I can feel an evil presence compelling my fingers to type out and share my story once and for all.

This story is certified #thingsthatarespooky.  I really hope that you, the reader, can handle this.  My story is not for the faint of heart. You will not be judged if you click away, what you are about to read is so scary it could drive you insane. You have been warned. While the story will definitely spook your pants off, my story starts off innocently enough.

Klar and I had just graduated from the University of Design with degrees in Male Modeling. We were at the top of our class, truly some of the most handsome men to ever adorn the halls of UD. We were even voted our classes best best friends. Life was great; we were just two dudes that posed for fashion magazines in underwear that barely covered our dinguses. Learning from Brofessor Zoolander, we dominated our industry. In our free time we played video games, practiced martial arts, and had an all around bromantic time. Life was great.

 

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We got ridiculously good at MMA, and Affection Nate approached us to join the UFC. We had never heard of it, so we declined. In fact Klar and I got so good at martial arts we became honorary Power Rangers. Can you believe that? If I go looking around Mt. Vesuvius, I might still be able to find the Dino-zord that I set free. We were great Rangers, so great that the Air Force approached us about being part of their Top Gun program. Of course we joined (call-signs me = Passion8 and Klar = Emotion Al), and we proudly served our country.

 

 

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We got the chance to flip off a few Russians along the way. Things were going well, and then something happened that changed everything. The Air Force announced they were hiring a civilian consultant… a señorita by the name of Zanahoria. She was gorgeous! She had the most beautiful smile and she proudly wore the hat of her people.

 

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She wasn’t just easy on the eyes. Zanahoria was a straight up bad ass! She told us in our first meeting that she wanted to teach the American military how to “fill in the bleeders!” I was in love. Like floating off the floor, I totally get the Notebook now, in love. This girl was SMOKING!

 

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However, my natural good looks and charm didn’t seem to work on her. She ignored me like she was Jeremy Lin during an Asian Appreciation game at the Verizon Center. I mean she just straight up would not talk to me. Klar went on a reconnaissance mission for me using his Ranger training, and he found out she loved singing.

That was tough, I have a very powerful voice but I wasn’t as musically gifted as Klar, who had a voice that angels stop and listen too. In heaven people say “you have a voice of a Klar.” Being a complete bro, Klar agreed to help me win Zanahoria’s heart and helped me serenade her.

 

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It worked! Zanahoria loved it, and in time she didn’t mind me too much. The three of us would go and do all sorts of stuff together. We would go watch UFC fights (we had no idea it would actually become a “thing”).  We would play bocci on the lawn. We would have late night karaoke jam sessions. We did basically everything together.

 

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It was clear that Zanahoria and I were in love. One day I proposed and SHE SAID YES! We got married that fall. Klar was my best man and Zanahoria’s maid of honor. All of our male models (the ones that survived the tragic gas fight of 2008) and military buddies were in attendance. Even our good friend Capt. Dan was there, collecting second harvest in the background.

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It was a magical ceremony held in the forrest just at twilight.

 

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Through the years, Klar slowly grew envious of my relationship with Zanahoria. He felt like we weren’t spending enough time together. Not one to silently sulk, he told me he was concerned our bromantic days were over. I told him that they would never be over… I swear I heard Zanahoria sigh (in relief I am sure) when I said this.

Klar: but bro, we never hang out any more. Yesterday you watched Project Runway with your wife instead of playing some Playstation with me.

Me: Yeah I know… Amanda totally should have won, she made her own jewelry!?

Klar: Bro, this is what I am talking about. I feel like our bromantic days are over.

Me: No, they will never be over!

Zanahoria: le sigh*

Klar: Gesundheit.

Me: Look bro, let’s take our yacht out on a trip to Australia. Just us dudes! Maybe we can find you a girl down under!

Klar: I am so jacked for this!

Zanahoria: Seriously?!

I am pretty sure she meant “seriously, you guys should do this.” Totes…

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So we took our boat, the S.S. Vivid Karet, and we headed for Australia. It was an awesome trip. We got our tan on, jet skied, and got to surf on a whale or two. It was just like old times, we were having the most bromantic trip. When we reached Australia, we made plans to hit up a beer tasting and then go scuba diving. Our boat was just about to dock in Sydney when all of a sudden:

 

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Chtulhu showed up out of no where and started wrecking the city. The HORROR! It was pure madness, Chtulhu just stomped around destroying the city. Every once in a while she would rear up and make a high pitched “AHHHH” scream of terror. Klar and I looked at the devastation from a window on our boat.

 

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Me: Are you thinking what I am thinking?

Klar: Aim for the bushes!?

Me: No… it is time to use our Ranger powers to do good.

Klar: You are right, let’s go battle Chtulhu.

Me/Klar: IT’S MORPHIN’ TIME!

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We morphed and called on the power of the Dino-zords to defeat Chtulhu. We had given up our days as Rangers long ago, but it looked like the world was going to need us to save the day one more time. We powered up and soon, operating the Zord felt like second nature. We headed out to water to draw Chtulhu away from the city. She ran towards us and leapt at our Zord!

 

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I won’t be able to accurately describe what happens next. Consider this merely a tribute to the GREATEST BATTLE IN THE WORLD! Chtulhu would attack and we would counter. It was back and forth. We relied on our expert training to throw some roundhouse kick-photon torpedo combinations. We were using our extra extra fast speed. Klar and I were highly skilled but the might of the beast was frightening. She pierced the air with her shrieks of terror. She rapidly waved her tendrils at us. She possessed a hideous face with sinister features. A most horrifying creature…

 

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Klar: She is incredibly cunning, she keeps pinching my side of the Zord… she must know I am ticklish.

Me: This is our most epic battle yet, better than any fictitious bar fight could ever be.

Klar: I am proud to be your partner, you can be my wingman anytime

Me: Bullshit, Zanahoria can be my wingman anytime

Klar: but….

Me: Sike! I meant “bullshit, you can be mine.”

Klar: wait does that still work… like maybe I should say my line about you being my wingman again and then you can say your line and then it will…..AHHHHH!

 

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Cthulhu had managed to grab a hold of us… we were doomed. I had to think fast. There was only one thing left to do:

 

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Me: BLUE STEEL! 

It worked! Chtulhu was subdued and we called our friends from the Navy to come get her and treat her at NIH. I was sure with treatment she wouldn’t be so terrifying. They brought a carrier and were set to haul her back to the States.

 

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Klar was afraid that they would experiment on her and stuff. He said that he heard of it on the news or twitter or something. I told him that we would have to have faith that people with medical degrees were much better equipped to handle this than we were after being briefly “educated” by social media. He didn’t seem convinced, and went off. We are not sure but somehow Chtulhu revived and broke free!

 

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I didn’t want to do this to you, reader. I know that the story was a lot to take in, but I am afraid the scariest part hasn’t even come yet. You see, Chtulhu was never caught after she escaped. The military officially does not recognize her existence.  Sidney’s destruction was blamed on a tsunami. The citizens were Men In Black “flashy thinged.”

This is why nobody knows of this horrifying event except for me. At any moment she can strike, leaving mass hysteria and devastation in her wake. If you are reading this, it is your duty to share this with everyone you know. My story is the key to saving the entire human race. Please, don’t let this happen again. As for Klar…. I never heard from Klar after we got back to the States. I tweet at him every once in a while, hoping he will tweet back. If you see him, tell him Choiloi would be his wingman anytime.

 

 

 

Epilogue –

 

 

 

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Klar: Hey bey!

Chtulhu: AHHHHHHHHHH!

Klar: It’s ok… I know you are scared, but I won’t let them take you.

Chtulhu: AHHHHHHHHHH!

Klar: Look I get it , you are hungry… you want meal?

Chtulhu: AHHHHHHHHH!

Klar: Look don’t worry, I am going to help you… AHHHHHH!

Chtulhu: *gulp

 

 

 

 

 

 

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