Face the Facts – Episode 2: Relationship Double Standards

Welcome to another edition of Face the Facts, my wildly zany blog about all things wonderful and irrelevant. First things first, I must inform you that my life was threatened last week. No, not because of the earthquake, though it occurs to me that my boss must have played Star Fox at some point in her life because when the earthquake hit she did a barrel-roll. No it wasn’t because of Hurricane Irene, the most hyped natural disaster of all time. Hey Irene, why don’t you go play for the Eagles? And no it wasn’t because the polar ice caps are melting or that an asteroid crashed into us, hokay?

Nope, this one hit even closer to home. Last week I had to carry my half-asleep wife from the couch into our bed. She proceeded to sprawl herself across my side, so naturally I try to gently nudge her to her side. She looks up at me and in about as cute and innocent of a way possible, informs me that she will kill me if I move her. My wife is a very small person and to the untrained eye would appear harmless. I should know better but the situation was just so amusing to me. Haha, okay honey, I totally believe you are going to kill me… but seriously you need to move because I need some sle*WHAM! She kicked me, in the face! Then she looked up at me again, as if to confirm the sincerity of her threat. So I had to wait for her to fall asleep and sneak in next to her. Not sure if I love how much she scares me or I am scared of how much I love her.


Fact – Studies show that neonatal nurses tend to devote more attention to more attractive, healthy infants with normal birth weights. They devote less attention to less attractive babies with low Apgar scores.

So Klar and I were having a discussion one afternoon when the subject turned to his co-worker and his coworker’s dating life. Cthulhu, Klar’s wife, chimes in and states (more like shrills) that she does not think that the girl is “good-looking enough.” Hahahahaha (gasping for air) hahahahahah, oh Cthulhu, you bad. Who do you think you are, Rachel McAdams? This ain’t Mean Girls, girlfriend. Now, I’ve only ever had the privilege of meeting this coworker once, and if I were to describe him I would say Jonah Hill-ish. Yeah… life prospects for that girl would seem to be trending downwards.

This led to a discussion of Cthulhu’s theory on human relationships. Ugly guys can be with attractive girls but the opposite can not happen if the relationship is to last. This left me frantically searching for a counter argument. Fine, I understand the realities of such a statement and frankly I couldn’t really think of many counter examples. Yet something about such a blanket statement bothered me. Sure, there may be biological implications to our natural desires to be with beautiful people. But what about all that stuff they teach you in public schools like beauty is only skin deep? Do we call BS? Monkey Noodles!!!

First of all, my flat-mate is married to Cthulhu, a creature so vile her ugliness sunk an island. That alone should prove the point. This isn’t to say that my flat-mate’s relationship with Cthulhu doesn’t have its benefits. If you are ever stuck in an apocalyptic storm, you can always cut off a tendril for sustenance. Also, if you really hate your boss you can always introduce him to your wife, whereby his head will literally explode from the sheer hideousness of the abomination. Also, when it is raining outside like it was this past weekend; your wife’s head serves as a great umbrella.

My flat-mate loves Asian stuff (after all he is friends with me), so I don’t judge him for his Japanese tentacle fetishes. He and his wife are as happy as a dark lord master and her little slave clam can be; you might even describe what they have as an incredibly circuitous affair of love-love-love (pat-pat-pat). Repeat. So they definitely come from a place of wisdom and experience when it comes to relationships. It just seems quite harsh to say a girl is too fat or too ugly (let alone both) to be with a guy. So are they correct? Am I really only upset because this is a cruel reality to face? Really? Women are supposed to be pretty, that’s why they have a billion dollar beauty industry.

So what if some of it is commercialism and vanity; a women’s beauty is a timeless concept that men have gone to war over. It has been imitated on canvases and captured in poetry. In fact, I used to compose limericks for my wife, to tell her that she is the love of my life. But the ability to rhyme, it just left my mind… and now it’s just gonads and strife. Weeee!!!

So I suppose there are two things that bother me. First of all, just because I can no longer rhyme (promising freestyle rapping career tragically cut short) doesn’t mean I can’t satisfy my wife’s need for poetry. I use the haiku… its Japanese poetry… and I am Asian. If there is anything my freshman year roommate will tell you, it is that all Asian stuff is really just the same stuff. The second thing that bothers me is that ultimately this was a judgment of her value based purely on looks. I had a problem that a “theory” could allow us to deem someone unfit to be in a certain relationship based on a factor I was taught to believe shouldn’t matter that much. Maybe I was just being morally antithetically unpretentious.

Fact – People may look more “attractive” when a person is drunk because alcohol impairs the ability to judge facial asymmetry.

Now, this may seem like a lot of piling on aimed at some poor random girl. I understand often people judge, insult, and gossip about others as a way to legitimize themselves. I am guilty of this all the time. These are all perfectly natural responses to our cognitive dissonance with reality. They serve as a way for us to rationalize concepts and ideas in our lives that hurt our sense of self. For example, your boss gets on you at work; he is just being an ass. Sometimes you find yourself in a situation where you are being yelled at by a pizza maker, and you say to yourself, “You know what, that pizza maker is just a bunch of slobbery female genitalia.” Get called out about how many sports you play? Well guess what, sarcastic ballet dancing is totally a real sport you douche-nozzle. Your wife complains about how another girl treated her? Well that girl is ugly and fat and nobody in the world will ever ever love her.

  This is a true statement, if it is Jonah’s current girlfriend we are talking about.

And while saying this out loud may be offensive, recognizing it is simply appreciating truth, and that is exactly what is happening here. That’s because the admiration of beauty isn’t a one way street. In many ways I blame the public school system for this. Post civil rights movement, we all grew up brainwashed as kids to think things such as beliefs, cultural identify, and even natural looks were not things to judge people on in the hopes that when we became adults we wouldn’t be bigoted a**holes. They told us beauty wasn’t important, that it was what was on the inside that counts. But come on, what’s on the outside entirely does count. Unlike one’s beliefs or cultural identity, looks most definitively have a sliding scaling system.

It is one of the prime examples of how nature is unfair. There are ugly people and there are attractive people. God doesn’t favor attractive people; many saints like Blessed Kateri were disfigured, and they were able to do great things for humanity. We are taught that stuff like looks don’t really matter, and that creates a huge disconnect with how we are biologically programmed to feel. This was supposed to level the playing field, a sort of self-mandated equal protection clause. But attractiveness should play a role and it does. As a result, the quality of life for an unattractive person can be much lower. How much lower? Check out this article. An ugly person might make about a quarter million less than an attractive person in a life time, which is staggering when you consider the fact that Matt Schaub is a millionaire. The article also references the fact that D.C. has anti-discrimination hiring laws that protect attractively-challenged people; a fact illustrated by Cthulhu having not one but two jobs. So… equal protection for ugly people because their life sucks? Sorry but that law would be a major… ah… ah…

So guys, if you are a slob, stop complaining that the hot girl at the bar turned you down. Sure, she may in fact be a superficial b****, but you know what, so are you. That’s why you are incessantly complaining about your lack of a dating life instead of hitting on Jonah’s soon to be freshly dumped girlfriend at the end of the bar. You hit on the hot one, the one that spent time doing her hair and make up, eats salads and water-chest nuts (which are gross), and generally cares about her appearance. The reason you were attracted to her is the same reason she wasn’t attracted to you. Maybe in the future you can seek federal assistance, but until then you need to face the facts.

So it may or it may not be true that this girl is in fact not “good looking” enough for Jonah Hill. It pains me to imagine her realizing this and it riles up my personal sense of fairness to imagine Jonah realizing this. What… does he wake up one day and say, “yep… too uggles for me, peace out?” Probably, and if this is the case, I hope he does break it off instead of cheating because here is another theory for you… men cheat down. Yeah, look at Tiger Woods wife and look at all the other women he cheated on her with. Lesson to the fellas out there, don’t cheat. So Jonah Hill, break it up before cheating, lest you find yourself down to nothing but your business socks in bed next to a troll.

Fact – Infants from 2 to 6 months of age prefer to look longer at faces rated as attractive by adults than at faces rated as unattractive by adults.

For the last time, there aren’t any snacks in here.

Now while it seems I had a problem with some girl being labeled as too “ugly,” I don’t seem to have a problem making fun of Jonah Hill’s weight. If someone were to say “well that person is too fat to be in a relationship,” I would probably agree with them. And I am not alone. In fact, it seems people generally have less of a problem making fun of fat people over just about any other category of people not Mormon or Scientologist. We are all collectively appalled when they wear tight fitting clothes, we detest standing behind them in lines, and we all love it when they fall over (because honestly, it probably didn’t even hurt through all the cushioning).

Here’s my theory on that; being fit is one of those things many of us work for. Generally this work doesn’t have an outlet for praise (your biceps look huge, no homo). You understand that being fit is a good thing, but that’s it, and there is some resentment over others not recognizing this and putting in the work as well. It is like laboring hard at your job only to see a lazy bum in the office sit around all day. You understand that the lazy guy may not be as well off in the long run, precisely because he is lazy, but instead of comforting you, this just irks you. It shouldn’t, but it does.

In an odd way making fun of fat people serves as a catharsis. Fat people are left unprotected because people more or less share this attitude about them; that they made a choice that usually involves taking the indulgent easy way out (I won’t get into actual medical conditions here) instead of exercising self-control and… well just exercising generally. The result of which balloons them into large gelatinous humanoids just ripe for the slander. It has been deemed immoral and often illegal to discriminate against one’s race, belief, or apparently even one’s attractiveness; one of the last things we have left to rail on is a person’s blatant disregard for their own health. Fat people are one of the few groups one can make fun of without societal retribution and there is relatively little fear of censure.

It is truly one of the last bastions of freely indulged incivility. Sure, it may not be fair. After all, these are people we are talking about, not animated intelligible jello blobs. Speaking as a former fatty myself, our more corpulent brethren got hurt feelings too. I cooked a meal for my friends, tried to make it delicious, tried to keep it nutritious, created wonderful dishesnobody complemented the meal, because I ate it all. So next time you run across a plus-size, tell them they are so fat the recursive function computing their mass causes a stack overflow. Then bond over some burgers and math based jokes.

We bow down to our Chef-bot Overlords

So the other day my wife decided to set a record on how many cooking appliances she could use. There was Tom Ka coconut soup in the crock pot, coffee ice cream in the ice cream maker, herb and garlic bread in the bread maker (perfect ammunition for a bread gun), rice in the rice cooker, and I’m sure my dinner was heated in the microwave. And it was all amazing. Now I can have all the fresh bread and ice cream I could ever want. It also means we can make ice cream bread.

By the way, cool new fact about my place, my oven does not use heat to cook food. No, it uses magic. I’m not kidding, my oven is called the “the magic console.” Now instead of using the overly memetic wizard explanation for all of the weird and bizarre happenings in my household, I can simply attribute them to my oven. Hey, why are there pirates in our living room? The oven did it. Did Nacho just turn into a velociraptor? It’s the oven’s doing you silly billy. How did Jeff Goldblum infect a technologically superior alien computer with a virus using a 56k modem? The oven was Will Smith. What about that floating laptop? No, that’s actually the the apartment complex’s laptop bandit; we should really do something about him.

Jeff Goldblum looking longingly at my magic oven

Optimus Droid

So the last episode of Face the Facts, I went over some of the phones I was excited about for this fall. I stated then that I was disappointed that the Samsung Galaxy S II was not coming to Verizon Wireless. Well, it turns out the big red has decided to go one better. BGR is reporting that Verizon if forgoing the Galaxy S II in favor of the rumored Nexus Prime, to be called the Droid Prime when it hits marketing.

This is excellent news for Android fans. The Droid Prime is rumored to have an HD 4.5 inch screen, a dual core 1.5 gig processor and be the first Android phone with Android 4.0 Ice Cream Sandwich. It will take advantage of Verizon’s LTE network and feature all of the bells and whistles of an Android tablet’s UI, like holographic widgets. With a rumored release in October, this will put the Prime in direct competition with the Iphone.

This autumn, one shall rise and one shall fall


UFC 134 – Rio

So the Brazilians have officially declared August 27th a national holiday. That’s because the Brazilians completely dominated this entire card. Before I get into the results, I have to give some props to my living room’s set up. Saturday evening we had the Cowboys on one TV, the UFC fight on another TV, and that 70’s show (for my wife and the dark beast) on the projector. It was glorious! Sitting back watching Dez Bryant dominate, Pearson gut it out, and Fez eating candy was like experiencing pure awesomeness. You know how at the beginning of Kung Fu Panda, Po epically defeated all those warriors? This was like that only at least 3 times as big. The fight results, however, were the opposite of this feeling. You know how Po wakes up to find out that it was all just a dream. Yeah, the results were every bit as deflating.

To be fair, they did lose three fights, but 2 out of the 3 losses by Brazilians were to Brazilians. In total the Brazilians won 10 out of the 11 fights they were in. These included victories over American fighters Forrest Griffin and Brendan Schaub. Schaub’s loss to Nogueira was particularly surprising as many saw Schaub as an up-and-coming contender in the heavyweight division fighting an over-the-hill legend who just rehabbed a knee injury. This just shows you that anything truly can happen in this sport (remember George St. Pierre did lose to Matt Serra). While the result of the main event was not shocking, Silva put on an electrifying performance. The cocky bastard danced around and then dropped his guard, daring Okami to hit him. When Okami tried he was rocked.

After this, give us Manny and Floyd in the Philippines

This was a lean and mean looking Silva for sure, but it seems like if you are Okami, you don’t wait for a guy like Silva to size you up and get comfortable. If a guy dares you to hit him, he probably knows that a combination of his speed and length will allow him to throw a nasty counter if you are stupid enough to try exactly what it is he is daring you to do! Every fight the commentators say the same things about Silva, like “oh, he’s just taking a few minutes to feel out his opponent,” or “he is like a computer, taking time to analyze the other fighter.” Dude, the guy is literally a robot, complete with a boot up sequence. Go tackle the mess out of him before Silvabot computes you. Sonnen did it, and between the HGH shots and that ballsy strategy, he pushed Silva more than any fighter (not able to pull off a reverse flying leg bar) ever had. Now it would seem more than ever, that Silva truly has championed 185.


I would like to see a rematch with Sonnen at some point, but right now the fight I am looking forward to is GSP vs. Diaz. Diaz is no slouch and will give GSP his most well rounded opponent yet. However, if GSP wins that, it is time for Dana White to give MMA fans what boxing has refused to give boxing fans, the mega-fight between the sport’s top stars. A fight between GSP and Silva at a 180 catch weight would be the biggest fight in UFC history. While people may be worried that Silva’s height and reach advantage would be too much for GSP, remember that GSP is a bit of an athletic freak. Silva has a ridiculous 77 inch reach. Even more ridiculous is GSP’s 76 inch reach, despite being 5 inches shorter than Silva. Another fight that could be intriguing if Silva really wants to cement his legacy is a fight at light heavyweight with juggernaut Jon Jones. If you thought Silva had a size advantage on GSP, Jon Jones is on a whole different level. Not only is he 2 inches taller than Silva, he has an 8 inch reach advantage over the long-armed Brazilian.

I’ll send you all my love, in a letter… And seal it with a kiss

Here at Vividkaret, we are constantly trying to bring you #thingsthatareawesome. Whether that comes in the form of awesome drink recipes, awesome batman videos, or awesome stories about why we hide when people knock on our door…  we try to bring all the awesome all the time. We have recently gotten a hold of the laptop bandit’s personal journal, and we are all very excited about this.  The local condominium complex-wide circular (the CCC) has labeled this person a menace to propriety. Some believe the laptop bandit is a nazi zombie terrorist. Subsequent episodes of Face the Facts will recount the epic tales of this mysterious and often misunderstood vagabond. Until next time, remember, when in doubt… face the facts.


2 Comments to “Face the Facts – Episode 2: Relationship Double Standards”

  1. You should ask Cthulu WHY ugly dudes can be with hot chicks.

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